


Amantes amentes

by shipfetish (Mortuusnox)



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Aged-Up Yuri Plisetsky, Alcohol, Angst, Dark, Drugs, Heartbreak, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-08
Updated: 2019-12-09
Packaged: 2021-02-25 23:20:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,544
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21723646
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mortuusnox/pseuds/shipfetish
Summary: Sometimes Yuri wonders if Otabek feels anything at all.
Relationships: Otabek Altin/Yuri Plisetsky
Comments: 1
Kudos: 15





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Amantes amentes = loving maniacs  
> Which means something like: The ones in love are dazed/foolish.

Sometimes Yuri wonders how Otabek could love someone so relentless, mean and destructive.

Sometimes Yuri wonders what he sees in an emotionally distant, unsociable and detached person like Otabek. But maybe that’s Yuri’s own fault. They’re opposites after all. Otabek is always balanced, he’s calm and he’s good at keeping his feelings contained.

Sometimes Yuri wonders if Otabek feels anything at all.

Even when he fucks Yuri so hard that his mind goes blank, he’s creepily composed and almost stoic. It’s a trait Yuri had admired, in the beginning. It made Otabek seem very mature and wise after all. But it’s only now, when Yuri is getting older himself, and gets to know Otabek better, he finds out that it’s really not so mature after all.

Yuri still remembers his first GPF, when Otabek had not even gotten a spot on the podium because Jean Jack had knocked him to fourth place. Yuri had been so angry on his behalf, not even able to fully enjoy his own win. Later, Otabek had only shrugged his shoulders and said he would do better next time. Yuri still remembers feeling confused and silly. He was so _mad_ and Otabek seemed to be fine. He had stared at his friend with wonder.“ _How can you be so calm about this?”_ He had asked. Otabek had shrugged again and said, _“It is as it is. Being angry about it won’t change anything.”_

Yuri remembers the blush creeping over his face, because that had made him feel a little ashamed of his behavior.

* * *

It’s not until later Yuri realized that Otabek was wrong. Locking away your feelings doesn’t make them go away. Yuri had felt the burn of Otabek’s repressed feelings on his wrists and hips long before, but mistakenly assumed it to be the grip of pleasure.

One time, when Otabek had already turned away to head to the shower, Yuri felt a sharp pain unlike any he had ever felt before. Otabek had bruised his wrist.  
He couldn’t skate for 2 months.

* * *

Yuri feels everything in the extreme.  
When he’s happy, he doesn’t smile, he glows. When Yuri wants something, there is nothing in the whole wide world that could stop him. But the purest of all is when Yuri loves. When he _truly_ loves, he loves fully and unconditionally. Yuri always thought it was beautiful, and he was secretively grateful for Victor, Lilia and even Yuri Katsuki for making him realize that. It’s why his Agape was so enticing and _real_. But perhaps feeling in extremes isn’t such a good thing, because when Yuri feels threatened he turns vicious. And when he’s hurt, he doesn’t grieve.. he falls apart. And when he came home that one night, to find Otabek in bed with his dick buried deep down in another person and his tongue down their throat, he didn’t cry.  
It’s only when he turned his back to them and walked to his room, the longest and most excruciating 9 steps of his life, he finally let go. His heart didn’t break. _Such a stupid saying._  
No, it felt more like every string was pulled too tight, his cells knotting together painfully and contrasting to form a dull shriveled homp of flesh. Even then, his lungs inable to provide him with the oxygen he needed, his eyes fuzzy and clouded, he managed to lock his door. As expected his knees immediately gave out beneath him. Kneeling on the cold floor he remembers clamping his hand over his mouth to silence to sob ripped out of him. Yuri thought about how stupid he was, how ignorant and how pathetic.

> _ Sometimes Yuri wondered how Otabek could love someone so relentless, mean and destructive. _

He can still hear the faint but steady thumping of Otabek’s bed as it hits the wall on the other side of the apartment and Yuri has his answer. It took him an act of blasphemy and a stab in the back to realise... Otabek didn’t love him.  
Yuri didn’t sleep that night, or any of the nights after.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuri just wants him to stop, before the flood comes, before the dam breaks and all of Yuri’s carefully contained feelings of burning anger and betrayal come spilling out of his mouth.

It’s in the days that follow that Yuri really learns about controlling his emotions.

The morning after, with sore legs and a sore back from sitting on the ground for so long, he decides he needs at a least a glass of water. His mouth tastes bitter and he has trouble swallowing. As if, when all the water in his body had leapt from his eyes, it sucked the rest of him dry. 

When his body barely, grudgingly, listens to him, and lifts him up, he has to take a steadying breath. 

* * *

When he steps into the kitchen, still wearing the clothes he came home in, face as monotonous as possible, Otabek is sitting there.  Yuri doesn’t look at him. 

When he grabs a glass from the cabinet, Otabek speaks up. “Goodmorning.” 

Good. fucking. morning. 

Yuri says nothing, but feels his hand clench around the glass. Yuri just wants him to stop, before the flood comes, before the dam breaks and all of Yuri’s carefully contained feelings of burning anger and betrayal come spilling out of his mouth. He quickly busies himself with filling his glass with water, slowly going insane when it takes the water forever to turn ice-cold, just as like he likes it. But Otabek is oblivious or he doesn’t care, and continues, his voice setting Yuri on edge with every word. “I think we need to talk.”

Before Yuri even considers this, he spits out a fast but hard, “ **No**.”

He’s out of the room and at the front door before Otabek has the chance to reply.

Yuri grabs his jacket with one hand, and quickly throws it over his shoulder. He’s over the threshold and almost out of their apartment when he hears a chair scraping in the kitchen and loud footsteps coming for him. “Yuri” he hears, and how _dare_ he sound disappointed? Yuri is already out in the hall when he stops, realizing that in his inner turmoil he had forgotten the glass in his fist. When Otabek repeats his name again, now heavily loaded with emotion, Yuri turns around and throws the glass at him,  _ hard. _

Otabek barely has time to dodge it, but with many years of training, manages it just yet. The glass shatters with a high pitched sound behind him. Seeing the sad broken thing reminds yuri of how he had felt last night. 

“Just leave me  the _fuck_ alone.” 

* * *

Yuri has walked around for about a half an hour or so, before he finally gathers the courage to grab his phone. When he turns off his airplane mode he quickly searches the number, purposely ignoring any missed calls or messages. It’s not Yakov’s number he’s looking for, and it’s not Victor’s either. 

Yuuri Katsuki sounds just barely awake when he answers, “Yuri? What’s up?” 

Yuri can’t quite keep his voice from trembling as he answers. “Yuuri, something.. happened.” It’s the first time Yuri had called Katsudon by his given name and Yuri feels empty, not even having the strength to feel embarrassed about calling Yuuri for help. 

“There-,”he trails off and starts over, “I need to get out of here. Can I stay with you and Victor?” He can’t imagine Katsudon’s face right now, but it’s probably pitiful. “Oh Yurio..,” And indeed, his voice is laced with pity, “Ofcourse. We’ll book a flight for you next thing in the morning. I’m sure Victor is happy to see you, and me as well, it’s been a long time.” Yuri will never admit to the warm feeling those words gave him, “I’ll send the details to you as soon as I got it all covered.” Yuuri continues. Yuri releases a breath he didn’t realize he had been holding. “Thank you.” He sounds tired, which hell, he is. He’s also cold and about to hang up when Yuuri speaks again. “Is .. Otabek coming too?” it is spoken so softly, like Yuuri had somehow sensed that this had something to do with him. Yuri signs and resigns himself to his fate as he answers a polite but firm no. 

“Okay,” Yuuri answers, not letting his opinion leak through his voice one bit. It’s in moments like these Yuri truly appreciates Yuuri for who he is, although he would never say that out loud. “I’m going now. It’s fucking freezing. I’ll see you soon, and thank you, again. I’m sorry for waking you up like this.” Yuri has the phone ready to disconnect when he hears Yuuri’s, now slighty panicked, voice. “Yurio!? Where are yo-,” The line has disconnected before he can finish his sentence. 

* * *

Yuri has never been this wasted before. 

It gets even worse when a stranger offers him a joint when he steps outside the bar for a smoke. He has never smoked pot before, but it seemed pretty appealing in that moment, the alcohol just barely managing to keep him absent enough. “Seems like you need it,” the lad had said. Yuri takes the joint. “Yeah, I guess,” Yuri answers absently. It’s a while and quite a few drags later, that Yuri decides he’s postponed long enough. He doesn’t argue when the guy offers to walk him home.

Once they arrive, Yuri manages to chuck out his phone and encourages the stranger to leave his number so they can like .. maybe hang out again or something? At least that’s what Yuri had mumbled. The guy chuckles and quickly types something before returning his phone. “Sleep well, guess i’ll see you around.” The guy says. If Yuri will ever come back here, is the only thing Yuri can think.

But Yuri feels pretty good about reminding himself to thank the guy before he lets himself in. 

Yuri learns slow, but he does learn.

* * *

When Yuri returns home he so desperately hopes that Otabek is asleep, that even in his state, he dares to make no sound at all. He seems to be in luck. The appartement is deadly silent as he sneaks to his room. 

Once inside he locks his door fast and slumps against it. Damn, he drank far too much. Or maybe it’s the drugs he’s feeling. Or perhaps it’s the disgusting sight he came home to yesterday. 

Whatever it is,he suddenly feels sick as fuck. And ofcourse, Otabek chooses that exact moment to lighty tap his door, and _fuck_ him, he had heard Yuri come home anyway.

“Yura, where have you been? I was worried.” Yuri can feel the handle of the door ramble against his arm as Otabek tries to open the door. 

It’s the final straw as he grabs the nearesttrashcan and throws up. Miraculously he managed to stumble to his bed and falls asleep with the sound of Otabek’s slightly panicked voice on the other side of the door. 

* * *

He is  _ never  _ drinking again.

It’s the first thought Yuri has when he wakes up, head pounding and his mouth even dryer then the night before. When Yuri thinks back he remembers feeling destructively angry and throwing something at Otabek before heading to the nearest pub in town, but not before... 

He checks his phone immediately, flinching because of the intense light from it. 

> _ 6 unread messages  _

Three from Katsudon, one from Victor, and one from Otabek. 

> ** Pork Cutlet Bowl **
> 
> _ “Hey Yurio, I have a flight booked for you, it’s pretty soon but I hope that’s okay.” _
> 
> _ “I’ve send it to your email. I hope you’re doing okay. I got business class for you since I know you hate economy.” _
> 
> _“Have a save flight, we’ll see you @ the Hasetsu airport x Yuuri”_

> _ “Thanks. I’ll check it out right now.  _
> 
> _ And yeah, I do hate economy.” _

He types fast and hits send, quickly scanning Victor’s message as he’s already dreading the next. 

> ** Vitya **
> 
> _ “Yuuuuurio. Can’t wait to see you! :D  _
> 
> _ Love, Victor”  _

Yuri simply answers with a simple thumbs up. He knows Victor won’t be bothered. 

Now Otabek’s message is the one he’s been dreading. He also has more than a few missed calls since he left the appartement. 

> ** Beka **
> 
> _ “Yuri. I’m really worried about you . _
> 
> _ I tried calling. I am ashamed to admit I slept outside your room last night. We really do need to talk, but I respect that you probably need some space. So I’ve gone out for a bit. Will be back around noon. I’ve left some Advil and a glass of water outside your door. Don’t throw it around this time. _
> 
> _ I feel uneasy without you.  _
> 
> _ Otabek”  _

Yuri is so confused. There’s a part of him that wants to call Otabek right now and make things right. But he would never forgive himself if he did. His heart aches as he closes the chat. It would be so easy to quickly pack his shit and get out of here before Otabek returns. But he doesn’t.

Growing up isn’t as fun as Yuri thought it would be.

* * *

When noon comes round, Yuri has his things packed and is ready to go. As the minutes pass by and he sees the sun sink lower through the window, he feels the cold sweat of fear and stress sticking his shirt to his back. Yuri has a million things to say, but no coherent sentences form in his mind. When he finally hears the front door open, he stands, eyes probably still red from crying just before. Otabek’s face is a little flushed from the cold and his hair is windswept. Yuri has the sudden wrenching realization that Otabek looks a little like he does after having sex. This is probably also what he looked like  that  night. 

“I’m leaving. My flight’s departing in a few hours.” This time, Yuri let’s the silence stretch out between them. He takes a moment to look at the first person he ever loved, romantically, and feels like a fool. 

He knows he won’t see Otabek for.. a long time. 

After it’s clear Otabek is not going to to say anything or simply can’t find the words, Yuri picks up his bags and begins to move. His legs seem like load, and Yuri had never had this much trouble lifting his feet. 

When he passes Otabek, his long time friend and so much more, he feels a strong hand wrap around his arm, stopping him in his tracks. 

“Yuri. _P_ _le_ _ase_.”  Otabek looks like he’s going to be sick. It’s enough, almost. Because in that one moment of weakness Yuri wants to grab him tight and tell them both it’s going to be okay. But the thumping is suddenly loud in his head, and he can’t stop the flow of breathy moaning he heard when he opened the front door from filling his brain. Yuri came home early that night, he had wanted to surprise Otabek. But Yuri was the one who got the surprise.

Yuri had learned that sometimes, emotion wasn’t a weakness at all, b ut a strength. 

He let’s it cloud over his face, pull at his features and swim in his eyes. He let’s Otabek see the all the pain and embarrassment that he caused him. 

Otabek let’s go of his arm as if burned, and Yuri turns to walks away before he can change his mind.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! Thanks for reading :)  
> I would be so grateful if you let me know your thoughts (constructive criticism is also good!)  
> The first lines just popped in my head, and the rest just kinda.. followed while typing. It turned out more dark and serious then I think I went for in the beginning but I like it, I hope you do too!


End file.
